3 Days of Questing:
Note to self – why do I have a Pine Tree Air Freshener as a personal talisman? Have I angered my Goddess? Must I always go forth reeking of HooptyFunk?!
My Goddess has heard my pleas! I found a four-leaf burdock! Now if I only had a pocket large enough to carry it around in. And a pair of heavy gloves to pull all these pickers out of my thin nightshirt. Why, omnipotent one, did you make me sit on this lovely new token?
4 Days of Questing;
Thank goodness I found this Weevil costume! It certainly offers me more rear end coverage than my old threadbare nightshirt. But the extra legs at my thorax really take a bite out of golf swing. On the plus side, the pincers really help with my aim as well as shielding my eyes from GoddessSpit!
5 Days of Questing:
Though I am grateful for this lovely hospital gown and its very complex and beautiful ties, I am also finding it difficult to wield my garden shears through my foam finger gauntlet. Regardless, the scent of the red rose in my otherwise sweaty hair is quite distractingly lovely. I welcome the cultural news of fellow travelers. And then I will vanquish them accordingly.
6 Days of Questing:
When I told the Goddess that my rose talisman was distracting, I did not quite expect her to bless me with the necklace of grasshopper’s eyes. It is even more distracting. Should I dare to say it is disturbing. But it sits nicely between the decolletage of my glamorous chest armor. And that combination is winning me some battles. Nicely played, Omnipotent One!
7 Days of Questing:
It seems I have died a second time. As I remembered it to be, it seemed empty of the pockets and more than slightly disconcerting. At least all of my body parts were still attached when my Benevolent Goddess resurrected me. At least I hope my liver is still in there. That is a question I will be begging to test at the local watering hole. Literally. Who can spare a virtual zombie a shot of the strong stuff?
8 Days of Questing:
I am now dressed in a chicken suit and seven league boots, armed with only my righteous indignation and a pink slip. I cannot say this has been the most successful of armaments my Glorious Goddess has sent to be through traders, but it is all I have. Luckily my mummy arm talisman has earned me many free drinks when I throw it down on the tables at the local taverns along the road. Life is a bowl of firecrackers. Isn’t that how the saying goes? Sometimes you throw them and sometimes you hold them in your hand.
Today I found myself summoned to the Godville Arena to fight my new mortal enemy, Slayra, a spiteful creature. Luckily, by the grace of my Goddess and the stench of my hood of an insane monk, I won the duel. Put my first notch on my diary and puked heartily the second I was out sight of the arena crowd.
Adding insult to injury sustained earlier, I was summoned back to the arena where I faced the fresh-faced Gfrancis. He appeared so young and kind, so unscarred. But he was cruel. And apparently a squirrel whisperer. Confound those distracting beastlets! I shall have my revenge another day, as cold as a frosty mug of beer with a side of salami and cheese. Oh, these fights make me hangry.
9 Days of Questing:
I awoke this morning with my bruises mysteriously healed and am sporting an even more mysterious villainous moustache. This was an odd choice at best, My Benefactor and Benevolent Goddess, so who am I to question. It does strike confusion in the minds of my foes what with the pairing of chicken suit and military dress shoes. But, Dear Distractor, could you consider lightening my lead load? My lead shield and lead gloves have left me with bulging biceps and a weakness for licking walls. Perhaps a divine detoxifying and change of uniform is in my future? I promise another brick for your temple if you see fit to make it so.
Today I got sent to the arena without a contender. Then they rustled up Hargrrl who is one of the nicest heroes I have ever met. Of course that didn’t stop her from trouncing me heartily and going away with all of my coins and three gold bricks. I am defeated. But Hargrrl will maybe be my friend someday. We shall see.
Later I was summoned back to handily defeat Tigerlilylily who was a nice guy but a little redundant. And a little green. All of that God Favor he was throwing about during the fight stuck to me like cheap confetti. And speaking of cheap confetti, I have to find a way to weaponize this! It pokes like the dickens!
10 Days of Questing:
With all due reverence and respect Omnipotent Lady, enough with the chicken suit. I have handled all comers in the arena. I have saved money and tithed to your temple fund heartily. I implore you to let a trader make me a good deal on a new armor. I think, in fact, it has made my job harder on the road as it makes me look so, ummmm, TASTY to the monsters. Thank you.
Met Illaoii in the arena. I don’t want to talk about it. Chicken suit. Let’s talk about that instead.
My Heavenly Lady, Chicken suit. Chicken. Suit.
Met Grundel-Waad in the arena. I don’t want to talk about that either. CHICKEN. SUIT.
11 Days of Questing:
Started the day by being thoroughly trounced and tossed by Lord Dexter in the arena. Yes, my Ridiculous Righteous One, wearing this dreaded chicken suit. I am convinced it is my hair shirt of your disdain for me as a heroine. Yet still, I try to remain steadfast and kind.
I have started to notice today, however, that rabbits and frogs have been licking and kissing me a great deal. Before I started questing, this would have unnerved me. Now I find it…comforting? Also, I feel humble. My Lady, is this your doing? Have you heard my prayers? Also, if you have a rabbit or frog suit to exchange for this chicken suit. I am certain now that the feathers are causing me hives. And also chives. Yes, I have actual chives growing from my navel. I noticed them yesterday after that mushroom soup. They have a lovely singing voice! It is orchid with bubbles!
WEИT OИ A ЯAMPAGE IИ THE TAVEЯИ’S CELLAЯ. I COULD HAVE SWOЯИ THAT SUBHEЯO WAS HIDIИG DOWИ THEЯE…
Ohhhh, that was very unfortunate. I woke up under a barstool, which I thought was a giraffe, and found my chicken suit plucked. I have to admit that it is much more comfortable now! Also, I apparently belong to a guild now! Witches’ Tea Party. Today has been very, very confusing.
12 Days of Questing:
Awoke this morning feeling somewhat more wise and righteous. My Omnipotent Lady, I think the plucking of this chicken suit made all the difference! It feels like a fine suede now. Plus the folds and padding are deceiving to the enemies I have met on the path! I am embracing my fowlness.
In other news, something odd has been in the air. I, and quite everyone I have met, have had an otherworldly glow or a surreal and unnamed quality about them. I just cannot figure out what is going on. But never mind that! This autumnal mushroom crop has been outstanding! I have never rustled up tastier campfire mushroom dishes in all my life!
Today was also a lucky day as I bagged #767 of the WANTED Speed Sloth herd. Do you call them a herd? A nap of sloths? A lope of sloths? A limbo of sloths? Ahhh, that’s it. A limbo of sloths! He was faster than most, but mostly it was the smell that beat on me. Can’t wait to see what the bounty is!
The local sheriff of Bosswell gave me 2800 gold coins for the head of the Speed Sloth and asked me to bring more. Huzzah!
Met Claude the one in the arena. Wished I hadn’t.
Later in the arena I was matched against Shadow Entity. He scared the socks off of me and then ate them for dinner with a smile on his face. Not only am I beaten, I am unnerved. And I think I am going to look for an exorcist in the next town just in case. Does holy water mix with firewater?
Just when I thought I was so down I couldn’t get up because the liability report was missing from my bag, I found 2495 coins instead. Bingo!
And then I died again. Death 3 was by far the least dramatic of all so far. I hope this doesn’t become a habit!
Also of note, lots of people have been scamming my motto. So I paid 307 gold coins and registered ‘All Hail, Don Cornelius!’ in the Next Station Registry of Mottos. Just wait until I catch my next foe scribbling it on a wayside rock. I will crush them flat with a pile of legal paperwork and a notary stamp!
13 Days of Questing:
The Chicken Suit is soft and comfortable as a baby blanket on my back these days. It brings me comfort. I found some berries and dyed it pink so I look like a giant, naked mole rat. With wings. It has become my lucky charm!
Met with a new opponent in the arena today. It was such an insignificant fight I don’t even remember his name. His god brought popcorn. My goddess rained in his popcorn bucket. Life was good under that melted kernel rainbow.
After that, I woke up inside the largest mushmallow I have ever seen, surrounded in fish bones and a huge bag of gold. When I tried to look down at myself, dizzying though that was, my lovely soft Chicken Suit had been transformed into a fuzzier and more lovely Bunny Suit! I looked to this sturdy diary for clues, but there were no notes. I don’t know how it happened, but my Goddess must be very pleased with me indeed! I hope that my dear Chicken Suit finds a good place to rest.
The strangest things happened today. Firstly, my coin purse got heavy inside my bag. Upon inspection, all the coins were shaped like puzzle pieces. I was going to put it together, but who has time for games in times like these?! Secondly, my coin purse got so heavy that it ripped through my bag and into the campfire. Huh. I never knew gold bricks were so easy to smelt! I will have to remember that! Well, I hope I remember that after the tavern.
14 Days of Questing:
Awoke bright and refreshed. And then I realized I was looking at the sunset. Ahhhhhh, I needed that.
In the arena, I met with Mallemuck, the most fun opponent I can rightfully say I have ever faced. I hope that, after he has his nose reattached, we can continue to be friends and tavern mates. He’s a saucy one!
I was dealt a new quest from the ethers. And after I had run, free and unclothed into the midst of the crowd, I realized that it had read SNEAK into the ninja convention. Ooops. Are my cheeks red. My face too.
Also, when I went back for my Bunny Suit, it had been dyed blue and had a layer of kevlar precisely sewn into the lining. These mushmallow gnomes are much nicer than I have given them credit for in the past. Of course, all of my potion bottles are empty and there is a tiny pair of dentures in the bottom of one.
One more very strange happening. I went to the river to catch a fish and letters appeared in the ripples and wavelets reading Asynchronous Swimming – Level 6!
15 Days of Questing:
The guild master asked me to be the face of a new recruitment campaign for Witches’ Tea Party. I love the slogan: “If I can make it, anyone can!”
I was hauling yet another gold brick to the Temple of The Only Goddess, Somnambulara Re Vine, and suddenly I grew a third eye. A real third eye. When I open it, I remember vivid details of everything that has happened to me since I started Questing. Unfortunately, this third eye is on the sole of my left foot so it has grown one heck of a shiner from all this walking around The Almighty has me doing. Planning is not one of Her great aspects, with all due reverence to Her. Ahem.
16 Days of Questing:
A courier from the Godville Times visited me mid-quest, made me sign a few forms, and cast an aura of abstinence on me. I should really start paying attention to what I’ve subscribed to.
And great whales whiskers, here I am stuck inside a lead chastity belt. It chafes. I want my Bunny Suit back! Stupid newspaper. This is not funny!
Later in the day, a parchment voucher floated down from heavenward with orders to report to the nearest armory for my new armor. I did. And there I traded in my heavy chastity belt for a bright green Power Ranger armor. But I could swear I am just wearing a green body stocking. I asked them to confirm there was armor hidden within that would deploy when I fought. They all nodded heartily. Walking away, I could tell they were good and hearty fellows by how hard they were laughing. I must’ve just missed a whopper of a bar room joke there!
17 Days of Questing:
I was calmly walking to my breakfast tavern for a bit of the wakey-wakey juice, 5400 gold pieces nearly tearing a hole in my bag, when I found myself inside the arena. I took care of business, was handed another 3600 pieces of gold.
And wouldn’t you know it, before I could get back on the path, there was a tremendous lightning storm which smelted my gold into bricks. Before I could pick them up off the ground, a team of gnomes in golden uniforms hefted them up and ran away from me. Look, Almighty One, have you been powdering up my canteen with the jimson seeds again?!
18 Days of Questing:
Woke up 1252 gold pieces lighter, with a mighty headache and an aura of abstinence. I suppose I deserved that one, Everseeing One?! Sorry.
But I did buy this handy cap with IR-sight! Look! Shiny! SHINY!
19 Days of Questing:
Slaying a monster, the giant letters 3000 SCORE appeared in the sky. Wow some taverns will do anything to advertise these days.
A wandering master insisted on training me on asynchronous swimming to skill level 8 for free as I happened to be his 1000th customer. He only charged me 4432 gold coins for the motivational video and registration fee. That’s a real bargain, right?!
Life on the road has been pretty tiring lately. I feel the urge to share the time with some kind of companion. Maybe someday soon I can find a pet to tag along on the trail. Or a nice monster. Either, really.
20 Days of Questing:
It has been very hectic on the road lately. I find myself looking for those moments between absolute terror to be quite welcome and insightful. And I am collecting a great backpack full of loot! I found my first vacuum tube sock today! That’s quite an invention. I really wonder why they ever went out of style. Huh.
I was soundly beaten to a meringue by Cococola in the arena this evening. She looks so sweet and effervescent that I seriously underestimated the acidity of her mixed martial arts skills. I was lucky that she returned some coins to my purse to have my new dentures fitted and my eyebrows reconstructed. I just cannot resist her bubbly charm though! I know we will be friends!
21 Days of Questing:
Today I bagged a WANTED 101-Headed Dalmatian and turned it in for the substantial reward. I really needed that boost after getting trounced in the arena. What I really didn’t need was 101 mouths worth of stinky drool in my backpack. I think it is definitely a biohazard now.
22 Days of Questing:
Stood around the arena today looking for a duel with zero takers. That made me feel bad at first. Then I realized that I can still walk without a limp and see out of both eyes and that made me feel very good!
Today I also have to let the cat out of the bag. And let me tell you…you never, ever want to start opening up bags at the roadside willy-nilly. Lots of mistakes, and a few hair-raising surprises in all those bags! And after all those bags, someone whispered to me that the “cat” is actually a secret. Wow, is my face red! I mean, really red. One of those bags had a napping skunk in it, and boy, was he startled!
And speaking of red faces, I also found a bargain on Hellboy’s cuff! I am the number one fangirl of my stony hero from the depths. I am quite a proud warrior showing this original off alongside my car door and chail-mail yarmulke. Yes, you may envy me.
23 Days of Questing:
I feel like I am finally getting the hang of things around these parts. Or maybe my blisters just finally healed! Yep, that’s probably it.
24 Days of Questing:
Croaked again. Yep. The rest is a blur. This is karma for bragging yesterday, isn’t is, Lady of the Lightning? Well, thank you for resurrecting me with minimal delay. I only lost 2 toes to the raccoons this time.
25 Days of Questing:
Today, it happened. I met the one I have been dreaming of! My Significant Otter, Buck, sauntered up to me and asked if I would love him forever. Of course I said yes! And then he urinated on my shoe. Isn’t it adorable?!
26 Days of Questing:
After walking with Buck for quite some time, he glowed with a strange sparkle and his eyes lit up as if from within. Then I heard a tiny trumpet. Apparently he is progressing in some great quest or he has gas after swallowing a toy brass section. It is really hard to tell.
I was summoned to the arena for no apparent reason. No one would fight me. Maybe I am looking more buff and determined these days in this bulletproof t-shirt.
27 Days of Questing:
Somehow I ended up in this Armor of Purity and it is really bringing down my mood. I feel so…sober…and chaste. Ugh. This is the worst thing that has happened to me since the early days of The Chicken Suit. I hope I can offload it soon for something much more boisterous and bawdy.
As for life with Buck, things are peachy! I am almost used to his fishy breath and his cold nose in my ear while I sleep. But, great heavenly goddess (sorry My Lady), he snores like a bugbear with a bezoar! Perhaps he will grow out of it. If not, I might start sleeping in my helmet with my socks on my ears.
28 Days of Questing:
Once again, My Lady of Omnipotence has blessed me with a good lot of laughter on my behalf when I earned, to match my Armor of Purity, a pair of pink furry handcuffs and a flea collar talisman. Luckily, I have been able to fashion them together into an unbreakable flea collar for Buck who has been leaving me quite itchy lately. Where he got fleas, I will never know, but I have my guesses. My Significant Otter is not very chaste himself, the little Lothario. I saw how the other otters were all flirting with him in the marketplace. I hope I don’t get sued for pet paternity! Perhaps I can get this Armor of Purity downsized to fit him.
The good news is that I squelched a Grammatical Terror with a bounty on its head. If only I can hold on to this Proof of Death certificate until I get back to town. Buck keeps looking at the sheet of paper and drooling. Guess I shouldn’t have put it so close to his dried fish treats in my pack.
29 Days of Questing;
Picked up a Shoulder Parrot in town. Actually, the blasted thing just parked itself on my armor and would not let go. So the trader took about 1800 gold coins and wished me luck. I wonder what he meant by that?
Buck and Jeeves, which is what the parrot insists his name is, have been bickering non-stop on the path. I have been beside myself. Well, actually I have just been seeing my own double after accidentally mixing two inopportune healing potions together. I hope it goes away soon. But I have to say I am looking mighty fine wielding this trident of wet power!
And, just like that, the shoulder parrot has stolen Buck’s flea collar and flown away. But soon thereafter, Buck shed his skin! Wait, does a significant otter do that? Anyway, he looks bigger, meaner and cleaner now. And he seems to be flea-impervious now. I could only wish the same for myself.
31 Days of Questing:
I seem to have lost a day somewhere. I suspect Buck of stealing it because he has transformed yet again into a slightly blueish beast. But I also gained some quite terrifying arm tentacles. They are much more convincing in the arena than the goosebumps I was sporting before.
I am seeing more strange beasts than ever before on the roadway. Somehow I think they are following me. I will have to ask Buck if there is a “Follow Me” sign on the back of my armor as mirrors are scarce out here.
32 Days of Questing:
There was a Follow Me sign on my back. Strangely, it had otter prints on all four corners. That Buck. He is such a scamp.
Passing through the last town, Buck gained the nickname “Bustler.” It is fitting. But considering how he earned the name, we will not be frequenting that tavern again. For the present he gave me, a pair of only slightly used silken bloomers, being banned is worth it! They washed up great and feel so regal under this chafing armor! Good Significant Otter indeed!
33 Days of Questing:
Buck, a steadily growing boy, has really been worth more than his weight in dried fish treats! Today he found me the best price in town on both Batman’s Cowl and Trousers of Impudence! Pairing those up with Edward’s Scissorhands, there’s no doubt I am on the Best Dressed List this season. Wow. I have come a long way from the old Chicken Suit. I will have to buy a drink to celebrate. Or maybe 12.
35 Days of Questing:
Yesterday and today sort of blended together with Buck and I both winning a new sheen from our Dearest Goddess. I was shocked and surprised when I suddenly got stronger, thinking someone had pickpocketed my pack. I mean Buck had eaten all of his dried fish snacks, all of my rations, and some of my treasures, but it was still a heavy load. His coat gained an otherworldly iridescent sheen and my muscles got muscles. Then I opened my mouth and started Inept Singing! I was ecstatic! Everyone around me for a mile was, of course, horrified.
To celebrate, we went to the nearest tavern. And there we woke up this afternoon. And when I stepped outside, a Gas Giant startled me and I cut his head off accidentally with my two-sworded hand. I felt bad but then Buck crawled up on the Giant’s chest with a big WANTED poster for the monster. And I dragged the head over to the arena office and turned it in for a nice shiny golden brick. Easiest money I ever earned. And, when the tiny tapestry-suited gnome popped up from under a moss patch and ripped it from my hands, it was the easiest money I ever lost too. Good thing I know it is on the way to My Goddess. The gnome left me a card with Her Omnipotence’s twisty logo on one side and a Buy One, Get One Free coupon for admission to the next town! Wow, I don’t have to sneak Buck in this time! I feel so accomplished.
36 Days of Questing:
Dang it, croaked again. Stupid Ravenous Bugblatter Beast didn’t just kill me once. He triple killed me. That left a mark. And I smell of burned marshmallows now.
37 Days of Questing:
Still recovering a bit from Death 5. Still smell like burned marshmallows. I woke up overnight and caught Buck licking me and drooling with a chocolate bar in one paw and a graham cracker in the other. It didn’t seem like a great sign.
But today I was able to turn in my chipped crystal armor for the best in stylish alien spacesuits! I feel like a million gold coins! It is light as air, has built in lights, and massages me when I am sore. Something tells me it is too good to be true.
52 Days of Questing:
Finally, I have gotten my diary back! I have been searching through every town on the road for this book without luck. Then, this morning, I thought Buck was having a seizure. It turned out he was coughing up a significant hairball with this chronical at the center of the fur! It seems to have weathered his gut fairly well although it is still a bit soggy.
So much has changed! I am stronger, Buck is fearsome, I have won some barrels full of gold bricks for my Goddess’ temple. Also, I have a LEGO sword. That was a tough one to bargain for. Of course, with my luck, I will step on it in the middle of the night on the way to the outhouse and incapacitate myself.
55 Days of Questing:
Found a bigger, stronger Buck rooting through my field bag. Couldn’t find the bag of computer chips and lunacy calendar in my inventory, but found 2784 gold coins instead. Bingo!
61 Days of Questing:
It has been a crazy week. I was so busy trying to stay alive that I forgot to write it all down. First I found a scroll that took one of my deaths away. That was nice. And my left ankle stopped hurting where my foot grew back. But then Buck saved my life and I almost lost him. It was touch and go until I hired a WitchDoctor to bring him out of his coma. I was so relieved. Life on the road wouldn’t be the same without my vivid little feisty Significant Otter!
But then, just when we had both leveled up and were enjoying the walk, I ran across a rabid Wrecking Ball and I was dead as an armadillo crossing the highway. Thank the Goddess that She was listening to me on headphones and heard me squeak for help. I was resurrected almost instantly. But not instantly enough to save the contents of my pack, which Buck had eaten in his distress, as well as my pack itself. Off to the merchant to use up some guild favors. And to the tavern to perform my latest demise in dramatic form for the price of drinks!
65 Days of Questing:
There is a strange “Halloween Ritual” going on today on the path. It seems that heroes and heroines are dressing up like monsters and scaring each other. More like scarring each other. As if we already weren’t jumpy enough, we are tearing each other apart in shock and fear! The Gods and Goddesses are crazy. No offense, My Omnipotent Lady. And you are the only true Goddess. Don’t strike me with lightning this time. Here’s a gold bar.
In other news, Buck is almost as tall as I am now. Are Significant Otters supposed to grow this large? Maybe I found a Very Significant Otter? Or a Most Significant Otter?! Or maybe he just ate a strange combination of my magical possessions when he gulped down my entire pack during my last death. I mean, I am glad he saved it from being looted, but he looks at me with an unnerving hungry expression sometimes. I think I will sleep in my armor until I can ask a specialist.
68 Days of Questing:
Died again. Death 6 was both ordinary and more painful. And Buck ate my pack again. He has horrendous breath now and he snores louder than ever. But, wow, are his whiskers shiny!
74 Days of Questing:
Somehow I missed throwing coins into the plate for you, My Goddess, and found my counter reset to zero. I was so hoping to be your favorite. I will try harder this time, with fewer 36 hour naps, I swear. I wonder if Buck has a built in Significant Otter Alarm? I will have to ask around for a Care and Feeding of Guide and Diagram!
78 Days of Questing:
Today the skies opening and a flock of flying golden snails came down and deposited a halo of floating gleaming light around my head. Then a flock of platinum bats licked my face and a voice whispered in both ears simultaneously, “Good on you, my minuscule Saint. Ya did pretty good for a mortal.”
82 Days of Questing;
Well, 7 Deaths is not my lucky number. But at least it is only 6 on the books. Buck ate my pack again, but he is fine. I think he is mature enough to digest it now. He is larger than ever and a blue iridescent shade of black. Just now, in the shadow of the tavern, his fur seemed to glow in the dark. Funny what death does to one’s eyes. And resurrection sure makes one thirsty. Here we go, barkeep!
88 Days of Questing:
Death 8 was unexpected and quite unspectacular. Godville Administrator just flipped a switch and poof lights out. This time Buck didn’t eat my pack, but he did lick all my hair off my skull. Good thing I have a warm toboggan for my head. I keep wondering how people go sledding down hills inside these furry little hats, though. It can’t be that much fun.
97 Days of Questing:
In a strange coincidence, Buck and I both grew stronger and more wise at nearly the same moment. Unfortunately, that was the moment we were winning the tavern Fool Contest and it blew our chances for the grand prize.
1715 Days of Questing
Fell into a hole at the base of a tree and found this Chronicle! I had wondered whatever happened to it. It makes me pine for my old buddy Buck since he ran away to join an otter circus on a outerworld tour. But Verdigris, my godvilla, has been a great companion. He has almost completely learned not to spit fire at me and he rarely picks me up in his teeth these days. It is great to have a pet I can saddle up when I am tired. I have also taken up “painting” a skill imparted by feeding descriptions of my adventures with monsters into a little box and, in return, receiving a full fledged wanted poster image. So far, I have provided a decent sketch of the Wal-martian and the Tiger Lily. These photos have been added to the public address system in the Godville Times. It is nice to feel useful in this world of chaos. Well, I can hear Verdi’s stomach growling from here. Time to go fishing before I start to look tasty.